THE RIGHT QUESTIONS WILL BUILD A WHOLESOME SELF-ESTEEM IN YOUR KIDS.

Questions are wonderful tools to develop your kid’s communication skills and to  probe your child’s learning or receptive moments. With the right questions, the parents offer the kids some options of learning to control their lives or their time. The right questions will reveal to you whether the kids are ready for your assistance or whether they want to be left alone. Just follow this wonderful Zen adage: “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.”

Here are some beneficial tips on building the communication skills of your child which I have adapted from an article by `Holistic Health Alternative’-

When working toward good parenting skills in communication with your child, reflect on the  following questions:

• How many times as an adult have I heard: “Let me help you.”
• How do I feel when I hear it?
• Does it feel like the person is truly asking to help me?
• Is it helpful?
• Do I appreciate the unrequested help?
• How do I respond?
• How do I honestly WANT to respond?

“If you want your children to improve, let them overhear the nice things you say about them to others.”  Haim Ginott

“Let me help you!” is NOT a question. It’s a command. And, a command intends to give you no choice. Parenting techniques of this kind are not good parenting skills for raising healthy children.

So, how does it feel when someone TELLS you that they are going to assist you? What if you don’t want the help? What if you were doing exactly what you wanted to do the way you wanted to do it?

How do you let the person know that you really don’t want their help without being rude or feeling guilty?

Or, do you just go along and let the other person “help” you and basically take over control of you? That way, the other person can have the good feeling of having helped you!

But what about your good feelings?

At times, you may do this to your own children or friends. If so, you put them in the awkward position of trying to please you so that you can feel good about “helping” them.

Do yourself and your child a favor. Work on strengthening your relationship, not weakening it. Ask your child a true question, such as:

• “Do you want me to help you get dressed?” (child) or
• “Do you want me to fry you an egg for breakfast?” (teen) or
• “Would you like me to go with you to the car dealership today?” (adult)

This type of questioning gives your child the opportunity to begin learning the value of answering your sincere question with a yes or no answer.This is an example of good parenting skills and supports your child’s health!

Your child will feel good toward you for allowing him to honestly answer the question. When a child feels pressured to answer in a particular way, resentment may build toward the parent. Your kid may want a little freedom to answer your question in his / her own way. Being able to give an authentic answer will help to build your child’s self-esteem.
Asking: “Do you want my help?” is a loving question.

This gives your child the opportunity to answer, and in the process, your child will feel good about himself and about you. He will feel respected. He will know that you are really asking a question and that his answer has meaning.

Your child will begin to feel more and more competent  and confident about himself. Then she/he will become more responsible for the things she/he says.

(Adapted from `Let Me Help You’ from Holistic Health Alternative)

The right questions asked at the right moment will open the window to your child’s mind and help you to understand your kid better. Appropriate questions will usually make your child feel comfortable about giving you the authentic answers which in turn are building her/his sense of becoming more  truthful and authentic. Trying one’s best to live an authentic life  always  goes a long way towards building  your child’s wholesome self-esteem.

Submitted by Alphonsus YKK

HOW TO REPAIR THE DAMAGED SELF-ESTEEM OF YOUR KIDS BY RECASTING THE LIES IN THEIR LIVES.

Perhaps the most damaging thing to self-esteem is a lie. Sometimes the lie comes from someone we trust. Sometimes the lie is something we tell ourselves and then we eventually  believe it. Lies always chip away the  truth. Lies have no power except that which we give them. These lies are statements such as, “I can’t do that,” “I failed,” “I am unworthy,” “I am ugly,” “it’s too hard,” etc. The tragedy is that many of these lies are germinated in the home by parents with good intentions. As young children we possess such hope and faith and joy about living life. We imagine and dream without boundaries. We grab life by the throat and live with gusto. And along the way those precious things we possess erode away. It starts with lies. Most children believe that they can do anything. Nothing is out of their reach. But then someone comes along and tells them that they can’t. If they believe that person, because of their trust in others, it is a lethal dose of poison to that child’s self image. Where there once were open spaces of opportunity and imagination, now there is a wall holding it all back. It is these types of events that add together to form a barrier between our hopes and dreams and our perceived reality. Over time, this can cause the faith and belief we have in ourselves to erode away and become a place of lack, instead of abundance.

One of the best examples of this comes from a wonderful children’s book titled, “Chrysanthemum” by Kevin Henkes. It tells a story of a little girl whose parents name her Chrysanthemum, because she is absolutely perfect and wonderful and her name should be everything she is. She grows up with parents who love her and support her in everything. She believes that her name is wonderful and she loves herself and her world and her life. But then she starts school. At school everyone has short names. Her name is the longest out of the whole class. And another child makes fun of her name and teases her. Soon the whole class is teasing her about her long name. She goes home every day in misery and despair. She begins to believe that her name is not fabulous or wonderful, and that she herself is not wonderful either. Her self-esteem begins to erode away at an alarming rate. And her poor parents have no way to stop it.

But then one day the children meet a teacher whom they think is the most wonderful woman in the whole world. They discover that her name is really long also, and that when she has her baby (for she is pregnant), she is going to name her baby Chrysanthemum. Suddenly the children all want really long names instead of their regular short ones. And of course, Chrysanthemum becomes the most cherished name of all. Chrysanthemum’s self-esteem takes a huge dose of healing and she is set to rights again. She now believes in herself again, loves her name, loves her life, loves herself. This story is a wonderful example of what can happen when our self-esteem takes a dose of poison from a lie. The results can be devastating. In the story the little girl is very lucky to have it all reversed.

But in real life this isn’t always the case. Children, and adults, are assaulted by poisonous lies that never get an antidote. The antidote  is the  truth. The simple truth about who we are. It can be so much easier to focus on miserable lies that have been with us for years rather  than   our positive traits. So many of us are obsessed with our flaws and mistakes that it can seem impossible a task to ever feel good again. Many live their lives with a wounded self-esteem. This of course can cause a vast amount of problems and issues for our lives. The solution is to bring healing to the wounded self-esteem.

(Adapted from “How To Heal A Wounded Self-Esteem” by Laura Mc Guire)

IT IS THE TOP PRIORITY OF MODERN PARENTS TO CREATE A CONDUCIVE ATMOSPHERE WHERE SELF-ESTEEM OF THEIR KIDS CAN GROW.

It is very challenging for young parents today to bring up kids to become well-balanced and well-developed individuals. For kids to become happy, successful  and matured persons, they need a positive self-esteem.  This vital quality is essential and non-negotiable for the kids. In the nurturing of positive self-esteems in children, the paramount force is the parents with a right set of parenting skills. Parents can play a positive or negative role in determining which direction the kids will grow up – with positive self-esteem or with wounded or low self-esteem.

Nathaniel Branden, the `Father of the Self-Esteem Movement,’ enlightens us with his valuable insight, “Clearly, however, the family environment can have a profound impact for good or for ill. Parents can nurture self-trust and self-respect or place appalling roadblocks in the way of learning such attitudes. They can convey that they believe in their child’s competence and goodness or they can convey the opposite. They can create an environment in which the child feels safe and secure or they can create an environment of terror. They can support the emergence of healthy self-esteem or they can do everything conceivable to subvert it.” (The Power of Self-Esteem)

Wow! These are powerful words to show what parents can do in the creation of healthy self-esteems for the children. But the tragedy of many modern parents is that, instead of cultivating positive self-esteems in their kids, they have succeeded in wounding their self-esteems in spite of their best intentions. Sometimes, good intention is simply not enough. Just as the old saying goes, `The road to hell is paved with good intentions.’  This wise saying is certainly very true in the arena of parenting. This paradox operates with great efficiency in modern family life!

The authors, Patricia H. Berne and Louis M. Savary, in the book, “Building Self-Esteem in Children,” emphasize that “a lack of self-esteem and experiences that damaged a child’s self-image could interfere with a child’s ability to learn and relate… As I continued to observe and reflect upon the children I knew… I became more and more aware of the subtle but powerful influences self-esteem, or the lack of it, could have on  a child’s healthy development. Keeping self-esteem alive is necessary for each human as water is for plants. Self-esteem is the daily food of emotional health. Healthy self-esteem is a capacity to see oneself as valuable and competent, loving and lovable, having certain unique talents and a worthwhile personality to share in relationships with others.”

Submitted by Alphonsus YKK

FOR WHOLESOME PARENTING, IT IS VITAL TO SEE STUBBORNNESS IN THE RIGHT PERSPECTIVE BECAUSE EVERY UNIQUE CHILD IS BORN STUBBORN AND HE/ SHE RESPONDS TO A DIFFERENT DRUMMER IN LIFE.

We just wonder why young children can be so stubborn and defiant.
We must understand that every child is created differently and every one of them has a unique identity. The best evidence lies in our thumb prints which will stubbornly and persistently provide us with a unique set of `thumb signatures’ throughout our lives. Our thumb prints will remain the same with us from the moment we were born until we die.

Now you have the answer to the interesting question- why are children so stubborn? Every child has a unique genetic blueprint that will set him or her to be the unique kind of individual he or she is meant to be. During the process of growing up, nature has given the child the instinct to hug onto his/her inborn characteristics. This is the job of nature. But parents have the responsibility to do the other half of the job of character or personality formation. Nature and nurture can be compared to the yin and the yang of the Taoist symbol of life. Parents should try to strike a right balance between nature and nurture.

Parents should try to see the `stubborn streak’ in the child in the right perspective. This is the legacy or the blueprint given by Mother Nature. Respect the natural endowment given by nature and you, as parents, should try to work around those natural landmarks of your child. Don’t try to stamp out those landmarks and replace them with your own ugly ones!
Enlightened parents should try to smoothen the rough edges of those unpolished gifts by nature. For example, if a child has an impulsive nature or a hot temper, the parents can show the child how to cope with such negative inclinations by their modeling or their example of responding to the child’s impatience and anger with love, affection and patience.
It is through examples that the child learn how to become a more patient and affectionate human being later on in life.

That is why the parents have to become aware of the importance of showing their child the right way of responding to life especially the art of coping with negative emotions such as anger, temper, impatience, irritations etc.
The young toddler can only understand why he or she sees in the parents who are their only models in life at this stage. Words do not mean much to them. It is loving acts and positive emotions such as love, gentleness, affirmation, and acceptance that will create the atmosphere of warmth, love and security in her/his emotional world. The child that grows up in a comfortable emotional world will very likely develop into a mature intelligent adult later on with a positive self-esteem.

`Stubbornness’ when perceived in the right light will provide the parents with the incentive to transform this trait in their child into a positive quality of persistence and determination to achieve worthwhile things in life.
The stubbornness can be compared to a rough diamond that is coated with mud and other base ingredients. But with the right parenting ways of love and encouragement, this rough unpolished stone can be transformed into a real sparkling diamond. To live a fulfilled and authentic successful life later on, the child certainly needs to nurture the positive quality of persistence and determination that has been recast from the base ingredient of `stubbornness.’ Parents should not perceive the `stubborn’ factor in their child as a negative force that challenges their authority as parents. The young child or toddler simply cannot understand this complex emotional issue in life yet. Instead of seeing the negative aspect, it is important that parents should see the vital role of `stubbornness’ in the child’s life and view it positively as a crucial part of growing up to become an independent human being.

James Windell, a specialist psychotherapist in family problems, shares his valuable insight on the importance of positive parenting:
“The difference between a youngster becoming oppositional and defiant and one who is able to channel his persistence into positive areas has to do with the quality of parenting. In particular, it has to do with the consistency of parents in handling the difficult, demanding behaviors of persistent youngsters in positive ways, while avoiding excessive criticism, giving in to the child, or extreme and harsh punishment.”

Submitted by Alphonsus YKK

SOME VALUABLE PARENTING INSIGHTS INTO UNDERSTANDING KIDS SUFFERING FROM OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER (ODD)

In our modern world, stubborn and defiant behavior in youngsters is normal and appropriate at almost every stage of the development process from early childhood through adolescence. In early childhood, it is common for young children trying to learn how to deal with the rules imposed on them while trying to assert their individuality. Therefore it is natural and human for children to be stubborn, oppositional and negative at one time or another during their developmental process of struggling to become independent individuals. Seen in this light, it is a positive development for kids to strive for independence and autonomy.

When children are very stubborn oppositional and defiant, they are normally classified as having Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD).
Children with ODD generally suffer from negative characteristics such as extreme negative, aggressive and defiant behavior that may persist for at least six months or more. Such ODD kids tend to be very argumentative, uncooperative, and disobedient. When parents use forceful or repressive ways, the kids normally feel mistreated and may become more obstinate and more resentful.
James Windell, the author of “Children Who Say No When You Want Them To Say Yes,” believes that “It is important to say at this point that children with difficult temperaments don’t have to become disturbed or antisocial youngsters. With proper parenting, hard-to-manage traits can be viewed in more positive ways and these children can be raised so that their once-difficult characteristics are channeled in acceptable directions.”

(Adapted from “Children who say No when you want them to say Yes” by James Windell, clinical psychotherapist.)

Submitted by Alphonsus YKK

ACCEPT AND APPLY THESE THREE GREAT GIFTS FROM THE TAOIST PHILOSOPHY TO COPE WITH YOUR SUFFERINGS.

The ancient Chinese philosophy of Taoism has given mankind three great gifts- patience, simplicity, and compassion (or love) for yourself. Of these three gifts, loving yourself is the greatest because it is often the panacea or antitoxin for removing the poisons which seep into our daily life and undermine our happiness.

The importance of loving yourself is strongly reinforced by the bestselling author, Melody Beattie.

“No matter what, love yourself. Love yourself, even if it feels like the world around you is irked with you, even if it feels like those you’ve counted on most have gone away, even if you wonder if God has abandoned you.
When it feels like the journey has stopped, the magic is gone, and you’ve been left sitting on the curb, love yourself. When you’re confused and angry about how things are going or how they’ve gone, love yourself. No matter what happens or where you are, love yourself. No matter if you aren’t certain where you’re going or if there’s any place left to go, love yourself.
This situation will change, this time will pass, and the magic will return. So will joy and faith. You will feel connected again- to yourself, God, the universe, and life. But the first thing to do is love yourself. And all the good you want will follow.”
(Melody Beattie, `Journey To The Heart)

 

SHARING AN EASTER INSIGHT- JESUS CHRIST IS THE MOST MISUNDERSTOOD PERSON IN THE WORLD.

On hindsight, we can certainly say that Jesus was the most misunderstood human being in the history of mankind when he was crucified on the cross on `Good Friday’. He was picked out to be crucified as the worst kind of criminal in spite of living thirty years of `quiet effective’ life and three years of public ministry performing many miracles of healing, exorcism and a few cases of resurrecting the dead. On top of these, Jesus proclaimed to the world his Gospel of the Good News- the most powerful message of God’s unconditional love for wounded humanity.  All these noble and wonderful deeds went to zero when he was interrogated and convicted by the Jewish religious authorities and the Roman governor, Pilate just before he was sentenced to suffer the most horrible form of death on the cross. If we study recorded history of mankind, we cannot possibly find another case of extreme miscarriage of justice like the one suffered by Jesus.

Let Will Durant is  an eminent historian who was trained in the discipline of historical investigation and spent his life analyzing records of antiquity. Let this scholar enlighten us with his succinct summary of Jesus’ life as the most misunderstood person in history- “Despite  the prejudices and theological preconceptions of the evangelists, they record many incidents that mere inventors would have concealed- the competition of the apostles for high places in the Kingdom, their flight after Jesus’ arrest, Peter’s denial, the failure of Christ to work miracles in Galilee, the references of some auditors to his possible insanity, his early uncertainty as to his mission, his confessions of ignorance as to the future, his moments of bitterness, his despairing cry on the cross; no one reading these scenes can doubt the reality of the figure behind them. That a few simple men should in one generation have invented so powerful and appealing a personality, so lofty an ethic, and so inspiring a vision of human brotherhood, would be a miracle far more incredible than any recorded in the Gospels. After two centuries of Higher Criticism the outlines of the life, character, and teaching of Christ remain reasonably clear, and constitute  the most fascinating feature in the history of Western man.” (Will Durant)

The life and teachings of Jesus were diametrically- opposed to the Jewish messianic speculation of his day. For more than a generation, the Jewish nation was awaiting the coming of the Messianic king who would realize  their dream of political deliverance. According to the Jewish scholar, Joseph Klausner, “The Messiah became more and more not only a preeminent political ruler but also a man of preeminent moral qualities.” At that time, the Jews were laying their entire bets on the coming of the promised Messiah. The apostles shared the same beliefs and convictions as the people in the Jewish world.

Miller Burrows tells us that “Jesus was so unsure what all Jews expected the son of David to be that His own disciples found it almost impossible   to connect the idea of the Messiah with Him.” The bleak and pessimistic picture portrayed by Jesus about being crucified was simply unacceptable  to his disciples.  Another scholar, A. B. Bruce, comments that there “seems to have been  the hope  that He had taken too gloomy a view of the situation, and that His apprehension would turn out groundless… c crucified Christ was a scandal and a contradiction to the apostles, quite as much as it continued to be to the majority of the Jewish people after the Lord had ascended to glory.”  The Oxford  scholar, Alfred Edersheim, puts the nail at the crucial point by concluding that “the most unlike thing to Christ were His times.”

(Adapted from `More Than A Carpenter’ by Josh Mc Dowell)

Food For Thought

Let me share with you my thoughts about Jesus during this Easter season. Jesus  Christ was the most misunderstood person in history. I think most of us can agree with this statement. But what is even more outrageous is that today, after more than two thousand years of flourishing Christian ministry and evangelizing, with more than one-third of world population baptized as Christians, Jesus Christ is still the most misunderstood  person!

When scholars and ordinary Christians ponder on this most-asked question by Jesus, “But who do you think I am?” most of us still get our answers partially wrong or basically wrong! Be very careful about how you answer this crucial question. Because the   kind of answer you give  will define you as the  kind of Christians you will be become in your daily life- a fake Christian, a quasi- Christian, a nominal white-washed Christian or an authentic Christian!

Do you really  believe that Jesus is the real Messiah, the Son of God whom you        can worship like Thomas, the Doubter, as “my Lord and my God”? or                  Do you believe that Jesus is just another prophet, another sage, another good moral teacher- no more and no less? Do you believe that Jesus is paying only lip service to his core teachings on unconditional love- love your enemies and love those unlovable and unacceptable neighbors?

Do you believe that Jesus is only telling you figuratively on his teaching on forgiveness – forgiving your sinful neighbors and the injunction to stop  judging your neighbor with a self-righteous attitude?

Do you believe  that LOVE is the core teaching of Jesus or merely an appetizer in the spiritual feast ?  Do you really practice this Love as taught by Jesus? 

Do you really believe that Sunday Christians (without other spiritual obligations) are much better than Love-Practicing Christians in the eyes of Jesus? 

Do you really believe that you can really love your needy neighbors by merely saying a few empty four-letter words  instead of showing love by your deeds and real intentions in your life?

Ponder on these questions so that you can learn the art of becoming  a better and more loving Christian. Start with your good sincere intentions and show your love to your neighbors in your life.  Let your life be crucified with Christ on the cross on Good Friday and become resurrected on Easter Monday. Follow Jesus’ example during these last three days of His life- step by step by carrying your cross  and enduring your pain and anguish with the crucified Christ on the cross with simplicity, patience and love. Then will you share and enjoy the   Resurrection  with Jesus this Easter. Happy Easter to you!

Submitted by David YKK